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I wish I could collect values.

In my coaching practice, I have the pleasure of hearing my clients’ Fully Alive stories and guiding them through the process of discovering their unique values. Unlike the lists of “common value words” that get handed out in some therapy offices, clients discover values that are so uniquely them that they would never be seen on any conventional list.

Some of my favourites have included: Brightness, Mad Scientist, Rarity, Play, Sensory, Magic, and Wonder.

And the definitions themselves defy convention. In fact, even when a client’s values sound “conventional” on the surface (e.g. things like connection and community are common), the definitions given are anything but cookie-cutter.

When you go through the values-based integration (VBI) process, you unlock a language that speaks only to you. And then you get to teach it to your coach or therapist, who then speaks it back to you in a way that allows you to be seen and heard like you have never been before.

I want to collect all these values for my own. Because every time a client shares with me their value word and definition, I swoon. I think, “Oh YES YES YES. That’s it! Exactly!”

The “it” is some universal core need or experience that somehow connects us all, even when each of our individual value languages differ. The words and definitions change, but the essence transcends. I can’t put my finger on “it” exactly, but I know when I hear “it”, it’s something I want to embody too. It’s something that makes me believe that if it were my value as well, I would feel fully alive all the time.

I tell myself if I collect them all, then I will unlock some secret: I’ll discover the meaning of life. I’ll figure out the key to happiness, health, and recovery.

Of course, in a context like this blog, statements like that are hyperbolic in a way; they’re not meant to imply or guarantee some “cure” for the human condition. But for the individual person, actually, I’m not far off. Our unique values are the “secret” hiding in plain sight to help us individually live meaningful lives, filled with purpose and fulfillment.

How can we pursue joy, aliveness, fulfillment, agency and autonomy when we are following someone else’s path? That is to say when we are selecting values off a standardized list of societally recognized and endorsed terms and definitions? We may get somewhere, sure, but where? Is it where we wanted to go? Is it the right direction for us?

Sometimes things are so compelling that we get called off course. Things seem like an amazing opportunity, so it’s hard to decide it’s not the right opportunity for us, especially when we are led to believe the opportunity will unlock the happiness we have been desperate for. Like a gorgeous sweater in a store; you admire it, but it’s not your style and no matter how much you try it on and try to make it fit, it’s just not “you”. Yet you are told that this is what to wear to feel sexy and happy. So you buy it. But at the end of the day, it’s not comfortable and it looks forced. It’s not the right sweater for you, but it will be someone else’s favourite sweater.

If we were able to stop there and let the sweater go in favour of something more to our taste, then perhaps our masks wouldn’t feel so permanently sewn into our skin and bodies. But societal messages are strong and pervasive. We are led to believe that without our masks, and without our efforts to maintain those masks, we will inevitably end up miserable.

We follow “value” trends just like we follow fashion trends. Fast fashion promises immediate dopamine and a pre-fabricated identity to try on when your own isn’t working. Curated lists of values are no different.

I’ve seen clients, and myself, get stuck trying to decipher Fully Alive stories through a lens of what we think we “should” be valuing. But just like fashion trends, when they are fleeting and inauthentic, we feel disheartened, confused, and depleted; we thought we did what was “right” and we ended up more miserable. When we listen to what we are told to do and be and think to find happiness, it is understandably exhausting when we still can’t seem to “achieve” what we are “supposed” to.

Instead, how about asking ourselves: “What does happiness mean to me? How do I know when I am feeling it? How do I measure it? When does it show up in my life? How have I participated in it and created it? What conditions, contexts and elements are needed for me?”

I want to collect all the values my clients share with me because they are all so beautiful. They are happiness outside of a script. They are the experience of happiness, not the pursuit of it.

But I admit another reason I want to collect them is because I’m a researcher and one of my values is that ‘conventional’ word “connection”. I like finding connections across ideas, across people. Finding connections makes me feel fully alive. I would love to do a thematic analysis of everyone’s values to see what links us. Are there any patterns, “truths”, or guidelines that could make us all more loving, safe, compassionate, and connected as a species?

But there’s one glitch. Values aren’t instructive, nor is the process; a thematic analysis would destroy the integrity of the VBI process. It would be an imposition of a perspective. It would be taking unique definitions and appropriating them; reclaiming, and re-defining. It would end up being just another beautiful sweater that claims to be one size fits all, but ends up fitting almost no one.

Coaches and therapists who use the VBI process are extremely careful to not make any suggestions or interpretations along the way. Because the core components of unmasking include autonomy, agency, embodiment and active participation.

Part of what makes the VBI process so magical (yes, I think that’s a fair term to use), is that even before discovering and defining values, clients get to experience what it is like to be in charge again; What it is like to be given back their own expertise and choice. To define themselves, their language, and how they uniquely experience the world. In trauma work, this authenticity is the exact opposite of the gaslighting that so many survivors have experienced that has made them erect their masks in the first place.

Masking is about contorting and concealing ourselves; Altering our choices, and relinquishing our rightful control in order to be safer and to “fit in” with societal, familial, or cultural expectations. It is, by definition, not authentic or embodied existence. Unmasking is the process of reclaiming. Of rebelling, even, against an expectation to change oneself to benefit others in ways that are harmful to oneself.

Unmasking is gentle, but powerful. My experience of discovering my values helped me feel safe for the first time in a long while, which given my level of trauma, is a rare experience indeed. I think this safety came down to the fact that during the process itself I allowed myself to see and hear ME for the first time. And that my coach held that space to get to know me, without expectation or imposition, without power hierarchy or authority.

And yes, my coach wanted to collect my values, too.

But now at the end of writing this, I see that it wasn’t about wanting to collect values at all; it was about being in wonderment of the value. In reverence. Of being in awe of one human’s truth showing up unencumbered. Of being so honoured to have someone unmask and say ‘Here I am’ in our presence. To be a witness to the actual experience of rarity, brightness, magic, wonderment, safety, play, mad science, and of course, connection.

Is it possible that the VBI process is a process of compassionate rebellion? When we declare ourselves, unmask, and assert our path, we are rebels. We are rebelling against the script to never feel good enough, and instead are adopting the truth of our own inherent gifts, worthiness, and love.

The beauty my coach saw in me when I came Fully Alive and declared myself, and the beauty I see in my clients when they declare themselves and share themselves with me, is the epitome of magic and wonderment and joy. These are three things I never used to associate with trauma therapy/coaching, but now I can’t fathom how the work could ever be done without them.