When our son died, we were told that around 85% of marriages where they lost a child ended after five years.
We were given the same statistics when first one, then two of our children were given autism diagnoses.
People stopped mentioning the statistics when I got sick, but we can extrapolate.
When first one, then the other of our children joined me in my undiagnosable position, well, the compounded statistics became a bit of a farce.
And that’s without the intercultural marriage, the fact that we married before I was twenty, the unaddressed/unidentified trauma we both carried, Trevor’s autism or the mixed orientation marriage we only recently discovered.
Whatever all of those statistics compounded look like, I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure our chances of success were fairly marginal.
Except for one thing.
We’ve always been willing to be more stubborn about the collective “us” than about ourselves. Fully aware several years ago that we were coming apart at the seams, we embarked on a journey – a journey to find healing for ourselves as individuals, with the hope that the end result would be healing for us as a couple.
We’ve had some unexpected hiccups on this path – some of the curve balls mentioned above slowed the process down – but here we are. Not perfect, but well enough to feel safe once again in each other’s arms – to feel known deeply as our true selves – to feel like we are precious to one another’s well-being.
We don’t talk enough about how hard marriage is. As a result, we don’t talk enough about what it takes to forge a strong marriage to begin with or how to weather the challenges that life will inevitably throw at us.
But if you’re starting to notice some wear and tear around the edges, it’s not too late. If you feel like the chips are stacked against you, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story. If you are feeling all alone, consider taking a journey.
I can’t guarantee where it’ll take you, but from my experience the possibilities are far greater than they might appear.
Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk more.
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